The recent
bombings in Boston have brought many emotions and challenges to the forefront
of our daily lives. Adults still
recovering from the trauma are asking themselves, “How do we explain to our
children what and why this has happened? Is their childhood now over, forever?
What about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? How do we answer our children’s
questions about people hurting other happy people on purpose?” These are
important questions in need of serious answers.
I turned to
an expert from Boston in the field of Family Therapy named Terry J. Basile to
help us get our children back on the road to healthy mental, emotional and physical
recovery. Her insights can help us rise above this crisis and continue with our
lives in a positive way.
As a child I would ride the train to Boston and like
Dorothy I would enter my magical Emerald City.
The smell of the train, the crisp air and the hurrying crush of people
were exciting. I should have been scared
by the differences from the quiet suburb I grew up in but always felt safe
because I was holding my mom’s hand. Now
with the recent bombings in Boston, I am having a hard time maintaining that
innocent memory. I wonder how we keep
our children feeling safe in what we know
more
than ever is an unsafe world. How do we hold their “emotional” and “spiritual”
hand through a national tragedy or
natural disaster?
As a therapist working with children and trauma I know
that how we respond to a traumatic event
is crucial in reducing the short and long term effects of the event on our
young.
So let’s first
talk about how we need to deal with our own feelings in order to help our
children.
·
Often after these events we feel tired,
distracted, angry, helpless and unsafe ourselves. No matter how depressed we
feel, we need to activate emotional support through contact with family,
friends, nature or our spiritual beliefs.
·
It is not a time to take on big changes at
home or work. Allow some of your usual scheduled household tasks to slide.
·
Spend your time instead snuggling with the
kids, playing board games or any family activity. Even though it might feel
disrespectful to an adult, it is ok to laugh at your son’s silly jokes. This
reassures him that life will continue as it was and that you will be ok
too.
·
Keep discussion of current events simple.
·
Answer questions truthfully but with limited
information. How many people died is not
important information. ‘Why’ is far too complicated to address in terms of
mental illness or politics. Yet you can acknowledge that a terrible event
happened and people were hurt.
·
Confirm that they are safe now and that you will
do whatever you can to keep it that way.
·
Always be sure to have a conversation about
feelings. This is a “teaching” moment.
·
Lead by example. Your model stating that it
is good to talk and express feelings is a valuable tool for their life.
In my book Let’s Color Your Feelings! I use colors and
animals to help parents encourage
children 4 + to share and positively express themselves. For example the book
says” … on a Red Dragon Angry Day a child
might need lots of room to run and play”. Help your child discover where in their
body they hold their feelings. Then give them some ideas to release them. Some
kids go outside and roar like a dragon or take a deep breath, then blow out all
the ‘yucky feelings’. It depends on the style of your child. Some will know
exactly what they need to do, but others will need you to give them options.
Include them in the decision. You can create your own colors and animals and
make up a language of feelings. This is something helpful to use every day and
is valuable to have in place in times of crisis.
The most important thing to remember is that children are
not little adults.
·
Do not expect them to deal with trauma the
way you do.
While they may want all the latest toys, the quality of
their relationship with you sets up valuable patterns for the rest of their
life. Give them the gift of your time, undivided attention and love. It’s the
one they will remember and treasure.
I thank
Terry Basile, my guest blogger, for her time and insights into this difficult
reality that is now a part in the United States of America. Boston is the heart
and birthplace of our country. Our heart is broken but not destroyed. And although
some of our freedom is lost, the unity we have as American people continues in
our ability to comfort and guide each other with wisdom and emotional support during
our times of need and strife. Our children are our future. Let’s keep our
future strong.
Bio: Terry
J. Basile, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist has worked with children and
families in Massachusetts and California since 1973. She has been involved with
feelings education throughout her career, including as a director of county
Head Start Mental Health Services. She presently has a private practice and has
written the children’s book Let’s Color Your Feelings! Available through her
website: letscoloryourfeelings.com or Amazon. You can also reach her through
her email address coloryourfeelings@yahoo.com
Bio: Kathleen
O’Keefe-Kanavos- survived three breast cancers & penned SURVIVING
TRAUMALAND: The Intuitive Aspects of Healing & is represented by Steve
Allen Media. She’s a contributing author to many books, a phone counselor for
the R.A. BLOCH Cancer Foundation, Q&A Cancer Columnist for
CapeWomenOnlineMagazine, BTR Radio Host, Inspirational Keynote speaker, mentor,
PATHEOS & OM Times blogger, & part of LinkedIn’s WELLNESS
AUTHORITY. Follow her on her social
media sites from her website@
www.survivingcancerland.com & www.AccessYourInnerGuide.com